My Memorial Tribute To the Boy/Man I Used To Be (Difficult and painful convo with my brother Bob this morning.)

I spoke with my brother this morning and we talked about the people who touched our life and we had our own private memorial tribute to our loved ones. Before we hung up, I told my brother that I needed to ask him a favor. I explained to him, what it was like for me to have grown up in the small town in South Texas where he still lives today, being openly gay and not giving a care who didn't like it or what people said, including my grandfather whom we memorialized today.

I explained to my brother what, imho happened when I was conceived, or made, and I told him that simply stated it was a fluke of nature and while I was born in a male body, inside, my mind, my heart, my soul, is female, that I was never supposed to have been born a boy.I asked my brother to take a few minutes today and memorialize his little brother, Ricky, that childhood best friend, because Ricky is no longer, Ricky does not live today, and the person who does live today is his sister, and that he could call me Eva, or Medusa, or Tiamat, whichever he prefers; he said he would honor my wishes. I know this is hard for him, and I told him that I would be patient and understanding if it takes him some time to get used to having me as his sister and calling me by my female name.

I told my brother, as I will say to all my family and to the people who knew Ricky, Rick, or NoMan Pan, I know that it will take some time, and I understand where you are, the confusion in your minds, and, please know that I will not be angry with you, but please do try, and in dealing with your own feelings and perhaps even fears, please, please, do remember that it was me who suffered all those years, but you could not see my suffering and I could not express myself because I did not know how to; I do now.

I do not want people to call me Ricky, except for my mother, she is the only person in the world I grant that privilege to.

Sitting here, as I write this, in tears, tears which people don't understand, feeling the pain that people don't understand, and four years into my transition, having overcome many obstacles and having walked through the fires of hell more times than I can count, I do not want people to see me as Ricky, the boy; I want to say to my family that I am a woman now, and my name is Eva Tiamat Baphomet Medusa, or, Legion. any of these five will do, please.

Today I memorialize the boy Ricky that I used to be, and the man NoMan Pan that I used to be.

I've been wanting to write this blog for several years, but it was not the right time, and now, having reunited with some of my blood family, after many years of estrangement, it is important to me that they accept me as the woman that I am, NOT as the boy or the man they knew many years ago.

So long to little Ricky, that sad, depressed, miserably unhappy, misunderstood, yet much loved little boy I once was, and so long to NoMan Pan, an original transformer, both loved and hated, might I say, rightfully so, the bold, yet soft, fierce, yet gentle often whimsical cloven hoofed mythical creature I also once was. R.I.P. safely within your shrine that is me.

I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR, I AM DRAGON HEAR ME ROAR LOUDER!