Guess I'm Feeling a Little Melancholy

Four years ago when I had just started HRT.

If You've Got It, Flaunt It, That's My Attitude

Blast from the past wearing one of my favorite dresses.

My Memorial Tribute To the Boy/Man I Used To Be (Difficult and painful convo with my brother Bob this morning.)

I spoke with my brother this morning and we talked about the people who touched our life and we had our own private memorial tribute to our loved ones. Before we hung up, I told my brother that I needed to ask him a favor. I explained to him, what it was like for me to have grown up in the small town in South Texas where he still lives today, being openly gay and not giving a care who didn't like it or what people said, including my grandfather whom we memorialized today.

I explained to my brother what, imho happened when I was conceived, or made, and I told him that simply stated it was a fluke of nature and while I was born in a male body, inside, my mind, my heart, my soul, is female, that I was never supposed to have been born a boy.I asked my brother to take a few minutes today and memorialize his little brother, Ricky, that childhood best friend, because Ricky is no longer, Ricky does not live today, and the person who does live today is his sister, and that he could call me Eva, or Medusa, or Tiamat, whichever he prefers; he said he would honor my wishes. I know this is hard for him, and I told him that I would be patient and understanding if it takes him some time to get used to having me as his sister and calling me by my female name.

I told my brother, as I will say to all my family and to the people who knew Ricky, Rick, or NoMan Pan, I know that it will take some time, and I understand where you are, the confusion in your minds, and, please know that I will not be angry with you, but please do try, and in dealing with your own feelings and perhaps even fears, please, please, do remember that it was me who suffered all those years, but you could not see my suffering and I could not express myself because I did not know how to; I do now.

I do not want people to call me Ricky, except for my mother, she is the only person in the world I grant that privilege to.

Sitting here, as I write this, in tears, tears which people don't understand, feeling the pain that people don't understand, and four years into my transition, having overcome many obstacles and having walked through the fires of hell more times than I can count, I do not want people to see me as Ricky, the boy; I want to say to my family that I am a woman now, and my name is Eva Tiamat Baphomet Medusa, or, Legion. any of these five will do, please.

Today I memorialize the boy Ricky that I used to be, and the man NoMan Pan that I used to be.

I've been wanting to write this blog for several years, but it was not the right time, and now, having reunited with some of my blood family, after many years of estrangement, it is important to me that they accept me as the woman that I am, NOT as the boy or the man they knew many years ago.

So long to little Ricky, that sad, depressed, miserably unhappy, misunderstood, yet much loved little boy I once was, and so long to NoMan Pan, an original transformer, both loved and hated, might I say, rightfully so, the bold, yet soft, fierce, yet gentle often whimsical cloven hoofed mythical creature I also once was. R.I.P. safely within your shrine that is me.

I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR, I AM DRAGON HEAR ME ROAR LOUDER!

I Am What I Am, I Am My Own Special Creation So Please Don't Try To Make Me 'Normal'.

As a transgender individual it's important for me that I speak out on issues that affect the trans community at large, which I feel are important issues that need to brought into the light.

I don't care about making "transgender normal", that would totally go against my grain to be made "normal".

I want to educate people about real and serious issues that affect the trans community, particularly issues that affect trans women such as how cruel people treat us to the point many trans women are brutally assaulted and often viciously murdered in countries around the world.

No one can make me normal because I am my own kind of normal and my state of normalcy can only be determined and decided by me myself and I. I live my own style of normal, I live in my own reality, not anyone else's perceived idea of what is normal and what is real.

I am what I am, I am my own special creation...my own form of perfection and beauty, and no, I do not want to fit into anyone's category or mode of normalcy.

To be made normal? No thanks, I'm OK just the way I am with my perfectly imperfect abnormal self.

Mom, I'm A Woman Now (After over a decade of estrangement, I am reunited with my mother on Mother's Day 2016

Today is a very special day for me, and I take a few seconds to think about one of the questions people ask in a demeaning manner "What does your mother think? Yeah, I bet she's proud of you!" Well here is my response to all the nay sayers and those who think that my mother should be ashamed of me. After being estranged for over ten years, I telephoned, spoke with, and wished my mother, the woman who gave birth to me, a Happy Mother's Day. I spoke with my mother about my having become a woman, and she told me that she had heard, and that she hopes that I am happy. I told her that for the very first time in my life I am happy, and she told me that she is happy for me and she supports my decision. Also, today, I spoke with my half brother, also after two decades of estrangement, and he also told me he had heard about my M2F transition. He said, "We all have our lives to live and we each have our paths and I'm happy for you that you found yours."

For my family to come and stand at my side, showing their love and support for me, especially at this time in my life, means more to me than I am able to express in mere words. I'd spent many years feeling all alone and like I didn't have a family to belong to, and when I began my dual transitions, I never expected anyone from my family to accept of like what I am doing with my physical appearance, just like I have never expected anyone out there in society to like or accept. I always figured that the time would come when my family would see me for who and what I am, and not the devil that many thought I was, and it would be the same for at least some others too. I told my mother that my name is now Eva Medusa and she said, "ok, but I'm still going to call you Ricky because to me you're Ricky". I told her that that is a mother's privilege and she can call me by whatever name she wants to or feels comfortable with. I've not seen my beloved mother in many years and I miss her dearly. One of my fondest memories of her is her beautiful smile and what a beautiful woman she is, and this morning when I spoke with her on the phone, I could see her smile, I could feel how happy she was to get this phone call from me today. How I feel right now is that no matter what happens in my life, having had the opportunity to talk to my mother today, to hear her beautiful voice on the phone, just to be able to tell her that I love her and wish her a Happy Mother's Day, makes nothing else matter. To one of the most beautiful women I have had the privilege and honor to know and to call my mother in this life, my hero, Alma Gloria Perez, Happy Mother's Day. Love, your new daughter, Eva (Ricky)